I can't afford the good hotels

by Ron Riekki

---

because those cost a thousand dollars
and I’m not even talking about the great
hotels, because those are a billion dollars
an hour. I have to find the hotels where,
swear to God, there have been holes in
the wall so wide that I once passed my
car keys through it, to my cousin, who
forgot something inside. And then
there was the hotel, in Toronto, no less,
where a cop came to my door, knocked,
and told me that I didn’t want to stay
there. I’d already checked in. He said
he saw my license plate, that (yup) I’m
American, and said that I might want
to go to another hotel. I asked what
happened and he said, I’m not allowed
to say, and I imagined dead bodies piled
up on the other side of the walls, and
imagined that there were ticking bombs
in the swimming pool that was empty,
seen from my window, a perfect view
of the absence of water, and then I said,
Thank you, which made no sense, and
closed the door, and lied in bed, as
there was nowhere for me to go, this
feeling that if the building was about
to catch fire, then I deserved it, that
my dumb poverty was something I
somehow worked for, that it was my
fault to join the military, go in, get my
head drowned in explosive nothingness,
lose sleep over not having enough sleep,
get sick on sickness, its libraries that had
more porn than poetry (and that is not
an exaggeration), the beer vending
machines at the end of our barracks
hallway, how it was impossible to get
orange juice or real milk, but I could
get drunk twenty-four-seven, and then
the war where one bunkmate turned
bulimic, his way of coping, and then
another roommate got caught reading
out loud passages from his New
Testament while masturbating, got
sent for a psych eval and came back
stamped Good To Return To Work,
and then the suicides, how one night
I looked up and saw that the moon
had a rope tied around its glowing
neck, and there was a madness, pure
madness, when most of us weren’t
even front lines, because there is
no front in war anymore, just this
sort of chaos, where this child, and
we were all children, had just re-
turned from a bombing, and we
were at the mess hall, and some-
one asked him, How’d it go? and
he stopped eating, and said, How’d
it go? How’d it go! and he said,
This is how and took his plate,
lifted it over his head, filled with
food, and slammed it down, so
that potatoes parachuted from
the ceiling and peas crashed
into napkin holders and milk
pressed into our faces and he
gazed at us with the skin of
the dead and he ate every single
sleeping child in the world and
you could see there was a free-
way in his lungs and he tied his
chair back into a knot and walked
out of the room, taking the air
with him, and we sat there, in
hunger, and our childhoods were
on display, and war makes you
insane and insanity makes you
war, and war is the Deep End
and my PTSD counselor told me,
Just so you know, there’s no cure
for PTSD and then my other
PTSD counselor, when I told her
that, said, Don’t listen to a word
he said and I tried to erase my past,
but I can’t, tried, for years, to just
punch myself in the side of my
skull to try to reset my memory,
tried to chalkboard-fingernail
everything out of my brain, but
it’s so stuck in there, the Marine
that put his M16 in his mouth,
tasted the air-cooled, gas-operated
carbon steel, the theft of child-
hood, the honor of nothing and
everything, the fever of history,
the way that Thank you for your
service makes me draw my knees
into my chest, how the barracks
always scared me, especially
after the deaths, and, now, tonight,
for the first time, I went into my
phone, and started deleting all
the names of the dead, just
scrolling through, finding their
name (or their nickname), how
there was this opposite feel
when it was put into the phone,
how it was this new friendship,
and then, now, tonight, clicking
on their name, hitting Edit, then
Delete Contact and it was, at one
time, a contact, so much touching
in the military, how every single
bunkmate had their own distinctive
smell, a rot that was solely theirs,
and, now, it is a deletion, to take
out, cut out, strike out, and I’m
left with this empty apartment,
this cheap apartment, how I
always have to search and search
and search and search and search
and search to find some shit-
hole I can afford, some off-
kilter crypt where I never even
buy furniture, because I know
it would be stolen, keep all
the window shades open to
show how there’s nothing inside,
just my trembling body,
​and no one wants to have that.

---

Ron Riekki is a poet/writer/editor from Michigan and has been published by several publications such as Juked, The Threepenny Review, Wigleaf, Akashic Books, Beloit Poetry Journal, Spillway, Rattle, and many more. ​His books include U.P. (Ghost Road Press), Posttraumatic (Hoot ‘n’ Waddle), and My Ancestors are Reindeer Herders and I Am Melting in Extinction (Loyola University Maryland’s Apprentice House Press). Right now, he’s listening to Mireille Mathieu’s “Addio.” 

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